Have you ever questioned who you are?
Have you ever done something that stepped out of your character completely? I have. I got stuck in the past; my most intimate confidante was my melancholy.
It's a sin to question the past, but I wouldn't leave it alone and perhaps it comes from courage - my inherent courage and fiery nature to fight everything. Or perhaps it comes from loyalty - my instinctual loyalty to anyone that comes close to me. I hold onto people until hell freezes over but dwelling so much on the past cost me my voice. Holding on so tightly instead of letting go, suffocated my soul. Up until a few weeks ago, I had lost any idea of who I was meant to be.
Have you? Why is the past so appealing to me? To you? Why do you hold on so tightly to it and obscure the immediate; the present? We are hyperconscious. We reflect. We lock ourselves in our minds. We think we're honest with each other; direct and blunt with one another, yet we're not. We only whisper honesty and truth.
We're too busy. We're too busy with our thoughts while our voices are dying - and your thoughts? They're getting flimsy, thin, transparent. We waste time thinking about the wrong things like:
a) criticizing others
b) putting others down
c) showing off
d) indulging in excess (excessive makeup, brands, clubs, snaps, insta's, sex, drinking, etc)
e) playing games (why you gotta toy with their emotions?)
f) posting photos excessively (in the same outfits that everyone has and the same opulent places that everyone has photos/snaps in)
enjoy your privilege, take advantage of your privilege
but do not flaunt your privilege, for that is deeply distasteful.
g) distancing ourselves
h) losing touch
i) stressing about things you can't control
j) the past.
Your passions are falling asleep and your minds are getting insubstantial. I say think, but think wisely. I say ask, but ask the right questions. Soak your mind in thoughts so deep your soul would get too heavy for your intellect to carry.
I lost my voice so I started writing. I spit my thoughts onto paper and let them breathe in life. I gave them each a story.
So i wrote and wrote and wrote. Not of recent things but of everything. I wrote about all the heartbreaks I ever had; all the mean and hurtful things that people had said about me; all the betrayals that I never saw coming; all the times that i felt abandoned by those i thought would stay in perpetuity; all the times i felt attacked; all the jokes that ever hurt me. I wrote them all down.
(I have people left and right telling me things that I don't want to know. Have you ever had that happen? Have people tell you things you wish you never knew? Maybe I like the taste of ignorance -at least it's dead and can't bite back).
Below, above, left and right are some of my short poems. I wrote them as a form of dialogue: movie stills. This is the start of giving a voice to all those thoughts I've buried over the years (and boy are they many); a voice to all the things i'd keep repeating in my head, and yes, I've had many aching thoughts & memories by only 21 years of age but it's a lie to think that we don't all do (yet equally, i've had many pleasant moments but love and happiness die out like wildfire - trying to hold onto them burns your skin bright red. Hold on from afar).
Edits: Alexandra Roman
Photos: Anda Roman
[all writing is my intellectual property]